decenber 24

i miss my family terribly. i know that my family is celebrating with my closest cousins and i can imagine just what it will be like. i wonder who will win the almond present, and if everyone gets what they wanted for christmas. i bet the food will be delicious. i am of course excited to celebrate in a different culture, but i can't help but feel somewhat left out. i walked the family dog and when i came home, the whole family had gone off to have breakfast at a resturant without me, so now i am waiting in my room by myself. i think this is the first time during my stay in america i really just wish i could be at home instead.

december 19

there is no god, no fate, which means there is nowhere that i am supposed to be. no magical arrows, which means that i am already where i am supposed to be. there is no bigger picture, no, my life is a movie and i am the director and the main character and i decide where i want to take the story. i have no deadlines. this is me.

december 18

hi all. so a few things going on rn! i was in new york which was omg SO exciting. somehow we managed to cross off all the must-sees in a very short amount of time. the dior lightshow was so beautiful and i want to go back to times square ASAP. it was a very busy kind of travel, for the sake of experiences, not relaxation, which honestly i don't mind. I'd rather rest at home for free than in new york. it was definietly a little uphill since i have been dealing with pretty severe throat pain for a while now, since before my trip to newyork and its only just starting to get a little better now. i am on painkillers most of the time. additionally, i got an eye infection. it sucked, would not recommend. the air in the bus to nyc was so horribly dry it fucked with my sinuses, which i think is why i got the eye infection. i ended up having to go to the doctor in nyc and got some medicated eye drops. my eyes are back to normal now. for upcoming plans i'm hoping to get to go to Miami in janurary, but not sure yet since it would be on such short notice. and i'm going to a rave on friday! lots of exciting stuff coming up. besides from the practical stuff i find myself reflecting a lot lately on the different ways people experience the world. i might notice a friend not responding to me for a few days, a week, and assume they must be annoyed with me because i never find myself forgetting to respond to a friend like that - but i have to remind myself that peoples brains work differently, and f0r many forgetting to respond is not an automatic sign of annoyance. i am realizing that very often peoples lack of engagement is due to their own things, plans and life, and more rarely has anything to do with me. it is in a way a blessing to realize that i don't necessarily always matter that much - and i love to try to understand the way peoples brains are different from one another. it facinates me to try to understand someome elses way of viewing life.
happy holidays to you

december seventh

hi again! a lot of updates at once - first, im going to new york tomorrow. sorry for not writing this earlier hahah. im so excited! ill tell you all(probably not, but some) about it when i get home. second, i feel like all of my things are kind of working out right now and its really nice. for example: i didnt study a high enough level of english in high school to study english in uni, BUT there are certain tests you can take to prove your level of english to be high enough to study it anyways, and coincidentally i stumbled upon an online-course preperation for that test that (i think) can qualify for three of the six credits that i need to study for my visa/exchange program. so i will drop one of my collage classes, but just one, because that means i still get the american campus experience, but for a cheaper price. i don't really believe in a higher force of the universe i think, but it sure feels like a lot of arrows are pointing me in the same direction right now, and you know what? i'm happy to follow them. take me to the abyss, mysterious arrows.

december fourth

my gamers i did it, i cracked the code to getting over my crush. here you go. my delulu quote:
if you like a guy, and the guy likes you, thats a win because you get the guy. if you like a guy and he doesnt like you, thats also a win because you won't have to deal with a guy. its a win-win situation. take the W and go.
no but, jokes aside, i kind of reminded myself that at the end of the day we are all born with a 100% unique set of genetics and brain, and have a 100% unique past and history. literally billions and billions of humans have existed for millions and millions of years, and humans will continue to be born and live for a long long time - and none of them, ever, past present or future, will be exactly like you or i. i like myself. if he doesn't like me, what's the big deal? we can't expect things to always allign in a world where every person is so different.

december third

im going in a hiking trip today with a friend. hopefully it can take my mind off things a bit. im so fed up with the whole waiting game - i feel like i am wasting my time. you only live for so long, i don't want to waste months of my life fawning over a guy who doesn't care about me. i will try to speedrun getting over him or something. idk how but if anyone can do it its me! also, i watched the new hunger games movie in the cinema yesterday. it was immaculate. big gold star from me.
my mother has had a habit of sometimes making me a custom christmas calender - a small gift for every day of december. this year of course i was not expecting or even hoping to get one since i am in a different continent - but she shipped me a christmas calender in the mail. so incredibly considerate and kind of her. for each package i open, i hope more and more that i can one day be as considerate as my mother. they say that the apple doesnt fall far from the tree, and i hope they're right. so far the packages have featured; a danish chrismas pixie that she knitted me when i was a kid, fancy paper strips for making chrismas stars, and bags with a homemade bakingmix for making ryebread buns with chocolate chips. all very homey. i am so grateful to have a little bit of danish chrismas with me.

december second

the homesickness is kicking in because december is such a homey time of year and denmark is very different from the US in this holiday. even though i have been in another continent i know for a fact that my mother has been singing christmas songs since at least start november, meanwhile the christmas festivities don't really start in december until after thanksgiving. winter is also feeling more like extended fall than anything - leaves still here, weather rarely too cold.